Humor

A bit of satire for you by Susie Day

WITH HELP, HETEROSEXUALS CAN BECOME GAY

(PU) A recently released study has found that heterosexuals can, with effort, become gay. Eighty-six percent of a survey group of straight women and men were able, through various forms of reparative therapy, to transform their sexual orientation and achieve “good homosexual functioning.”

Dr. Marvin Flabcock, of the American Psychiatric and Floral Design Association, conducted interviews with 200 former heterosexuals who expressed satisfaction at finally becoming “full human beings.” Dr. Flabcock said that he cannot yet estimate what percentage of the larger heterosexual population can become gay, but that if heterosexuals are “highly motivated,” there is hope. “The secret is self-hatred,” stated Dr. Flabcock. “You’ve really got to loathe yourself if you want to lead a normal life.”

Most of the study’s participants said that, in order to effect their sexual transformation, they used more than one form of reparative therapy, including support groups, individual counseling, or dressing up in monks’ robes and flagellating themselves in deserted grade school restrooms. Many of their sexual conversions were religious in nature.

“Praise Jesus!” cried a recently self-avowed lesbian, one of several study participants who agreed to be interviewed for this article. “For years, I was boy-crazy,sin-soaked, and born-to-breed. But my encounters with the opposite sex were quick, empty, and loveless, and I hated the decadent heterosexual culture. Then, through intensive therapy and daily prayer, I was able to uncover a childhood trauma in which I was once yelled at and made to clean the erasers by a heterosexual math teacher. It really screwed up my sexuality, and gave me terrible math anxiety. But with the help of our Lord Jesus Christ, I saw that girl-on-girl action is part of God’s plan for us. I still can’t do long division, though.”

There's a lot to say about the ineptitude and lack of foresight involved in the creation of this sign, but ultimately, the message gives some good, solid advice for those who don't want to accidentally reproduce. (via)

For those of you who wasted your youths reading Jane Austen and Sophocles instead of useful stuff like science fiction and comic books, a quick catch-up: One of Isaac Asimov's most well-known accomplishments as a writer was the Three Laws of Robotics. I, Robot, his famous collection of linked short stories about "Robopsychologist" Susan Calvin revolve around them, and they've been tremendously influential in the writings of other writers who either implicitly follow them or deconstruct them. The Laws as Asimov wrote them are:

If I have any single fetish, it's gotta be nerd girls. Tits and ass are nice, but if a woman has a complete set of AD&D manuals (version 2), can parse php scripts in her head, or can talk dirty in binary, I'm pretty much hers.

Which is just a way of saying that this service was pretty much dreamed up just for me:

Via the AP wire:

A State Trooper in Washington noticed an SUV on the road that looked like a good bet for a drunk driver. He pulls it over, and upon investigation, finds...

...the driver and his female passenger were naked, with alcohol containers in the vehicle. They apparently had been interrupted in the middle of an intimate act, said Trooper Jeff Merrill, a State Patrol spokesman.

A 19-year-old Seattle man was arrested for investigation of drunken driving, a gross misdemeanor, and investigation of embracing while driving, which Merrill said was a misdemeanor. The 20-year-old Seattle woman was cited for being a minor in possession of alcohol, he said.

The message here? Nekkid and drunk is fine, but nekkid, drunk, and driving is NOT! Make sure you're on foot whilst having drunken sex in the public square!